Figuring Things Out

This weekend was a time of reflection and processing.  I had one of those light bulb moments that lasted all weekend.  The feeling of calm and serenity that stayed with me all weekend was amazing.  So let me tell you about it.  As you know I have been dating someone.  This weekend I took my time back and I did me.  I spent the whole weekend with myself!! I really needed this time to really think about some things.  Like am I ready to be in a relationship… do I even want to be in one?  I know one thing, that I am not ready to be having sex with anyone, and we already jumped right into that.  I feel like unless I am ready to have a baby with someone, then I have no business having sex with them.  That has been on my mind for months.  All of my past relationships have been based on sex.  They all started with sex first and getting to know the person later.  I don’t want that for my future and I told myself that when I started dating again it wouldn’t be that way.  HA!  What is wrong with me?  That right there is the first big sign that tells me I am not ready for a relationship and have no business being in one if I can’t even place boundaries of that magnitude and keep them.  It’s not that I didn’t want to keep them, just something inside of me doesn’t want to displease the other person.  Then once I opened pandoras box I felt like there was no turning back.  I realized though that this is a repeat of my past relationships the only difference is that I am sober.  So I have to tell him that this all has to slow down.  That I am not there yet, and to be honest Im ok with whatever happens because I am going to stay true to me.

What really feels good is that I am able to work this situations out today.  I dont stay in something just because.  I am so grateful to have the wisdom I have today.  Even though it took a bit of a blunder to figure out where I really am, I figured it out and didnt use over it.  Sometimes we just have to work things out in our own way and in our own time.  It sure does feel good though when we do.

 

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Author: adayinthelifeofanexjunkie

I am a recovering addict, who has found joy in my life! I love to laugh and be silly. There are still hard times and I still struggle. But I do it with my head held high and I do it sober.

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