So its been a few months since I have written anything. A lot has happened, but I think the biggest thing to happen in these past few months is that I have started dating someone. It was totally unexpected and I don’t know how I feel about it yet. I mean most days I feel great about it, but then others I feel like WHOA, shit this is a lot. He is not an addict which is a good thing right? You would think that it is. There is something in my head that keeps telling me that maybe this wont work out because he is normal and can go out and do normal 30-year-old things like go to the bar and drink at a wedding….. and here I am like nope not me! Then I ask myself if that is my self-destructive thinking trying to fuck something good up. Maybe I am just way more emotionally mature because of my past. I feel like I am in a different place than most people but does that have to stop me from being in relationships? We do have so much fun together and we laugh like idiots all the time. I have started to feel overwhelmed though because I am not used to doing things all the time and having plans all the time. I need an ample amount of me time, that is how I recharge and stay balanced. I feel like the me time is little to none now.
Another huge factor is that he has a daughter and that he just got out of a relationship and seems to have hopped right into one with me. That has been something that has played in a dark corner of my mind since we started talking. Also, it’s not that I have a problems with kids, I don’t. I have a lot of emotional heartache when it comes to kids and I dont really want to get close to someone else’s kid when I dont know for a fact that they will be around long-term. Is that wrong? I feel like that is realistic.
I think it really boils down to one simple question, do I even want to be in a relationship? Is this what I want? The one thing I do know to be a FACT is that I was great before him and I will be great without him if it doesn’t work out. I just had to lay this out because its been on my mind. I guess I thought If I wrote it all down I would be able to make some kind of sense out of it all.