Learning to love the pieces of me.

Something that has been on my mind lately is self-love.  All through my Facebook feed I see women and men that are so wrapped up in the attention they are not getting from others in their life.  I see the heartbreak of a friend over a guy.  I see posts of women hating on other women for the way they look.  When I see these things, it’s so clear to me what the issue is, and maybe it’s so clear because I once was the woman who hated herself so much that I allowed myself to be torn apart into a million jagged pieces.  I thought I had it all figured out, and I am not saying that I have it all figured out now, but I am well on my way to being a healthier me.

I think that in order for me to ever be able to be in a healthy relationship, I have to love myself, because how can someone else love you if you don’t love you?  It’s really hard for me to see other people in the struggle that is all too real all over the world.  I want to tell them that the secret to happiness is right there within them.  I want to shake some sense into some of my friends.  But I have to realize that I never listened when someone told this to me.  I had to figure it out for myself.  If I could share one thing with the world, man or women, I would tell them the story of how I came to love myself.  It wasn’t easy to get here.  It was and still is a challenge.  I started to put myself first, and I made a choice that I would not date or be in a relationship with anyone but me.  I really looked inside and pulled all the bullshit, the heartache, the shame, and the guilt to the surface even though I thought it would suffocate me.  I started sorting through the pieces of me.

I really don’t think that when I got clean, I even knew how much I hated myself.  It wasn’t until the fog lifted from my mind and soul that I saw all the broken pieces of me scattered all over my world.  The pieces of my soul that I just gave away for the high, or the pieces that I lost to heartbreak in my life.  There were pieces of me that I didn’t even want back, to be honest.  But as the weeks went on in treatment and therapy, I slowly started to collect the pieces, and I was able to put them in a pile.  One by one I have put some of the pieces back.  I still have pieces in my pile that are so dark and damaged that I will need something short of a miracle to ever them fit exactly where they use to be.  And as I write that, I realize that they don’t have to go back into place perfectly, and they probably never will.  Why would I want them to?  All these damaged pieces, and the heartache, all the self hate, all of these painful things that make up my past, well they make up who I am now.  Those horrible memories and life experiences that tore me apart have become the wisdom and love that is putting me back together again.

We are all broken, and we all have the power to choose to put our pieces back better than they ever were.  I will never be the same but why would I want to be?  With each broken piece of my soul that I have picked up and repaired, I have learned something greater than I ever imagined.  Self love!

Self-love is the best life lesson that I have been lucky enough to learn!!  I love all the broken parts of me, because they each tell a story.  Determination, integrity, survival, and self-love.  I still have so much work to do on myself, and I really believe that work will never be done.  But I am finally at a place where I love myself  deeply.  I believe that I am worth all the work, and most of all I believe in me.  I wish that I could just give this feeling of peace and serenity away, but it doesn’t work like that.

So maybe just for today we can love each other until we learn to love ourselves.

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Author: adayinthelifeofanexjunkie

I am a recovering addict, who has found joy in my life! I love to laugh and be silly. There are still hard times and I still struggle. But I do it with my head held high and I do it sober.

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