One of the hardest things about getting off the drugs for me was learning to be alone and learning to be ok with it. For as long as I can remember I’ve always been in some sort of co-dependent, unhealthy relationship. I looked for self-love in so many places that it’s actually quite impressive when I look back now, and realize how hard I tried to love myself through other people. Mostly men. My real father never really wanted much to do with me and my mom married a great man when I was very little, who I know to be my father, so why did the daddy issues still come into play in my life? I was never satisfied with the love that I had and my issues with co-dependent relationships stem from many different things in my early life. The fact of the matter was that I had never stood on my own two feet and done anything that I could truly be proud of in my adult life. I hated myself so much I would have done anything to make myself disappear. I tried to do that with drugs and alcohol. Finally, the God of my understanding did what I couldn’t do for myself, and I landed in jail. That is a story for another time.
I got clean because I was forced to do that or go to prison. And the minute I had a few days of clear thinking I realized that the current relationship that I found myself in was a disaster. It was abusive mentally and towards the end physically. I loved him for some odd reason and he was even harder to quit than the drugs. A few weeks into my treatment with the help of my case manager and a girl I had met there in treatment, I packed up as many trash bags as we could carry and I left him and that drug house forever. I moved into a recovery home and I started to heal.
I remember laying in bed in this new place, with these new people, and all these new rules. I felt so empty and my thoughts would race between him and wanting to get high. I prayed the serenity prayer over and over until I would fall asleep each night. I surrounded myself around people who wanted to be better and I just kept moving forward. It really wasn’t long until I could get through a day without thinking about him or thinking about getting high. But it took a lot of work. I think I stayed high for so long because of all the shit inside me that I didn’t want to deal with. As soon as I started to confront the darkness inside me head on, I began to breathe a little easier. You see using drugs is only a symptom of the real issue. So many people quit the drugs but never really address the root of the problem.
Lets flash forward to today. I have not dated for a couple of years and its been the best time in my life. I love the woman I am today, and I love that I am only getting better with each passing day. I’ve worked really hard to be able to find my voice, to be able to look in the mirror and say, “Hey girl, hey!” I love my time alone and I love the skin I am in. Its mine, and its flawed, inside and out, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I am so grateful for everything I have been through in my life because of the freedom that it has given my soul. I am wiser and I am stronger, and I wish that every person could know how this feels.
So for today, look inside yourself, and love your flawed soul.