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Figuring Things Out

This weekend was a time of reflection and processing.  I had one of those light bulb moments that lasted all weekend.  The feeling of calm and serenity that stayed with me all weekend was amazing.  So let me tell you about it.  As you know I have been dating someone.  This weekend I took my time back and I did me.  I spent the whole weekend with myself!! I really needed this time to really think about some things.  Like am I ready to be in a relationship… do I even want to be in one?  I know one thing, that I am not ready to be having sex with anyone, and we already jumped right into that.  I feel like unless I am ready to have a baby with someone, then I have no business having sex with them.  That has been on my mind for months.  All of my past relationships have been based on sex.  They all started with sex first and getting to know the person later.  I don’t want that for my future and I told myself that when I started dating again it wouldn’t be that way.  HA!  What is wrong with me?  That right there is the first big sign that tells me I am not ready for a relationship and have no business being in one if I can’t even place boundaries of that magnitude and keep them.  It’s not that I didn’t want to keep them, just something inside of me doesn’t want to displease the other person.  Then once I opened pandoras box I felt like there was no turning back.  I realized though that this is a repeat of my past relationships the only difference is that I am sober.  So I have to tell him that this all has to slow down.  That I am not there yet, and to be honest Im ok with whatever happens because I am going to stay true to me.

What really feels good is that I am able to work this situations out today.  I dont stay in something just because.  I am so grateful to have the wisdom I have today.  Even though it took a bit of a blunder to figure out where I really am, I figured it out and didnt use over it.  Sometimes we just have to work things out in our own way and in our own time.  It sure does feel good though when we do.

 

Random thoughts….

So its been a few months since I have written anything.  A lot has happened, but I think the biggest thing to happen in these past few months is that I have started dating someone.  It was totally unexpected and I don’t know how I feel about it yet.  I mean most days I feel great about it, but then others I feel like WHOA, shit this is a lot.   He is not an addict which is a good thing right?  You would think that it is.  There is something in my head that keeps telling me that maybe this wont work out because he is normal and can go out and do normal 30-year-old things like go to the bar and drink at a wedding….. and here I am like nope not me!  Then I ask myself if that is my self-destructive thinking trying to fuck something good up.  Maybe I am just way more emotionally mature because of my past.  I feel like I am in a different place than most people but does that have to stop me from being in relationships?  We do have so much fun together and we laugh like idiots all the time.  I have started to feel overwhelmed though because I am not used to doing things all the time and having plans all the time.  I need an ample amount of me time, that is how I recharge and stay balanced.  I feel like the me time is little to none now.

Another huge factor is that he has a daughter and that he just got out of a relationship and seems to have hopped right into one with me.  That has been something that has played in a dark corner of my mind since we started talking.  Also, it’s not that I have a problems with kids, I don’t.  I have a lot of emotional heartache when it comes to kids and I dont really want to get close to someone else’s kid when I dont know for a fact that they will be around long-term.  Is that wrong?  I feel like that is realistic.

I think it really boils down to one simple question, do I even want to be in a relationship?  Is this what I want?  The one thing I do know to be a FACT is that I was great before him and I will be great without him if it doesn’t work out.  I just had to lay this out because its been on my mind.  I guess I thought If I wrote it all down I would be able to make some kind of sense out of it all.

 

Learning to love the pieces of me.

Something that has been on my mind lately is self-love.  All through my Facebook feed I see women and men that are so wrapped up in the attention they are not getting from others in their life.  I see the heartbreak of a friend over a guy.  I see posts of women hating on other women for the way they look.  When I see these things, it’s so clear to me what the issue is, and maybe it’s so clear because I once was the woman who hated herself so much that I allowed myself to be torn apart into a million jagged pieces.  I thought I had it all figured out, and I am not saying that I have it all figured out now, but I am well on my way to being a healthier me.

I think that in order for me to ever be able to be in a healthy relationship, I have to love myself, because how can someone else love you if you don’t love you?  It’s really hard for me to see other people in the struggle that is all too real all over the world.  I want to tell them that the secret to happiness is right there within them.  I want to shake some sense into some of my friends.  But I have to realize that I never listened when someone told this to me.  I had to figure it out for myself.  If I could share one thing with the world, man or women, I would tell them the story of how I came to love myself.  It wasn’t easy to get here.  It was and still is a challenge.  I started to put myself first, and I made a choice that I would not date or be in a relationship with anyone but me.  I really looked inside and pulled all the bullshit, the heartache, the shame, and the guilt to the surface even though I thought it would suffocate me.  I started sorting through the pieces of me.

I really don’t think that when I got clean, I even knew how much I hated myself.  It wasn’t until the fog lifted from my mind and soul that I saw all the broken pieces of me scattered all over my world.  The pieces of my soul that I just gave away for the high, or the pieces that I lost to heartbreak in my life.  There were pieces of me that I didn’t even want back, to be honest.  But as the weeks went on in treatment and therapy, I slowly started to collect the pieces, and I was able to put them in a pile.  One by one I have put some of the pieces back.  I still have pieces in my pile that are so dark and damaged that I will need something short of a miracle to ever them fit exactly where they use to be.  And as I write that, I realize that they don’t have to go back into place perfectly, and they probably never will.  Why would I want them to?  All these damaged pieces, and the heartache, all the self hate, all of these painful things that make up my past, well they make up who I am now.  Those horrible memories and life experiences that tore me apart have become the wisdom and love that is putting me back together again.

We are all broken, and we all have the power to choose to put our pieces back better than they ever were.  I will never be the same but why would I want to be?  With each broken piece of my soul that I have picked up and repaired, I have learned something greater than I ever imagined.  Self love!

Self-love is the best life lesson that I have been lucky enough to learn!!  I love all the broken parts of me, because they each tell a story.  Determination, integrity, survival, and self-love.  I still have so much work to do on myself, and I really believe that work will never be done.  But I am finally at a place where I love myself  deeply.  I believe that I am worth all the work, and most of all I believe in me.  I wish that I could just give this feeling of peace and serenity away, but it doesn’t work like that.

So maybe just for today we can love each other until we learn to love ourselves.

The Hardest Thing.

One of the hardest things about getting off the drugs for me was learning to be alone and learning to be ok with it.  For as long as I can remember I’ve always been in some sort of co-dependent, unhealthy relationship.  I looked for self-love in so many places that it’s actually quite impressive when I look back now, and realize how hard I tried to love myself through other people.  Mostly men.  My real father never really wanted much to do with me and my mom married a great man when I was very little, who I know to be my father, so why did the daddy issues still come into play in my life?  I was never satisfied with the love that I had and my issues with co-dependent relationships stem from many different things in my early life.  The fact of the matter was that I had never stood on my own two feet and done anything that I could truly be proud of in my adult life.  I hated myself so much I would have done anything to make myself disappear.  I tried to do that with drugs and alcohol.  Finally, the God of my understanding did what I couldn’t do for myself, and I landed in jail.  That is a story for another time.

I got clean because I was forced to do that or go to prison.  And the minute I had a few days of clear thinking I realized that the current relationship that I found myself in was a disaster.  It was abusive mentally and towards the end physically.  I loved him for some odd reason and he was even harder to quit than the drugs.  A few weeks into my treatment with the help of my case manager and a girl I had met there in treatment, I packed up as many trash bags as we could carry and I left him and that drug house forever.  I moved into a recovery home and I started to heal.

I remember laying in bed in this new place, with these new people, and all these new rules.  I felt so empty and my thoughts would race between him and wanting to get high. I prayed the serenity prayer over and over until I would fall asleep each night.  I surrounded myself around people who wanted to be better and I just kept moving forward.  It really wasn’t long until I could get through a day without thinking about him or thinking about getting high.  But it took a lot of work.  I think I stayed high for so long because of all the shit inside me that I didn’t want to deal with.  As soon as I started to confront the darkness inside me head on, I began to breathe a little easier.  You see using drugs is only a symptom of the real issue.  So many people quit the drugs but never really address the root of the problem.

Lets flash forward to today.  I have not dated for a couple of years and its been the best time in my life.  I love the woman I am today, and I love that I am only getting better with each passing day.  I’ve worked really hard to be able to find my voice, to be able to look in the mirror and say, “Hey girl, hey!”  I love my time alone and I love the skin I am in.  Its mine, and its flawed, inside and out, and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I am so grateful for everything I have been through in my life because of the freedom that it has given my soul.  I am wiser and I am stronger, and I wish that every person could know how this feels.

So for today, look inside yourself, and love your flawed soul.

Feeling Inspired…

I started and restarted writing this 3 times.  I kept trying to start with all the dark shit in my past, thinking this had to be some well written soul crushing stuff for it to matter.  That is not the case at all.  I just want to write.  I want to share my joy and my life with others.  Sure my story started out dark and twisted, but life after the storm is what this blog is really about.  It’s about learning to live, love, and trust again.  It’s about mistakes, setbacks, and growing!  I cannot wait to start writing about my adventures and fiasco’s as they happen! This blog is more or less for me and if it brings hope to someone stuck in a downward spiral from addiction or depression or just life in general, I would be beyond happy.  So happy trails my friends, and here we go!