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Learning to love the pieces of me.

Something that has been on my mind lately is self-love.  All through my Facebook feed I see women and men that are so wrapped up in the attention they are not getting from others in their life.  I see the heartbreak of a friend over a guy.  I see posts of women hating on other women for the way they look.  When I see these things, it’s so clear to me what the issue is, and maybe it’s so clear because I once was the woman who hated herself so much that I allowed myself to be torn apart into a million jagged pieces.  I thought I had it all figured out, and I am not saying that I have it all figured out now, but I am well on my way to being a healthier me.

I think that in order for me to ever be able to be in a healthy relationship, I have to love myself, because how can someone else love you if you don’t love you?  It’s really hard for me to see other people in the struggle that is all too real all over the world.  I want to tell them that the secret to happiness is right there within them.  I want to shake some sense into some of my friends.  But I have to realize that I never listened when someone told this to me.  I had to figure it out for myself.  If I could share one thing with the world, man or women, I would tell them the story of how I came to love myself.  It wasn’t easy to get here.  It was and still is a challenge.  I started to put myself first, and I made a choice that I would not date or be in a relationship with anyone but me.  I really looked inside and pulled all the bullshit, the heartache, the shame, and the guilt to the surface even though I thought it would suffocate me.  I started sorting through the pieces of me.

I really don’t think that when I got clean, I even knew how much I hated myself.  It wasn’t until the fog lifted from my mind and soul that I saw all the broken pieces of me scattered all over my world.  The pieces of my soul that I just gave away for the high, or the pieces that I lost to heartbreak in my life.  There were pieces of me that I didn’t even want back, to be honest.  But as the weeks went on in treatment and therapy, I slowly started to collect the pieces, and I was able to put them in a pile.  One by one I have put some of the pieces back.  I still have pieces in my pile that are so dark and damaged that I will need something short of a miracle to ever them fit exactly where they use to be.  And as I write that, I realize that they don’t have to go back into place perfectly, and they probably never will.  Why would I want them to?  All these damaged pieces, and the heartache, all the self hate, all of these painful things that make up my past, well they make up who I am now.  Those horrible memories and life experiences that tore me apart have become the wisdom and love that is putting me back together again.

We are all broken, and we all have the power to choose to put our pieces back better than they ever were.  I will never be the same but why would I want to be?  With each broken piece of my soul that I have picked up and repaired, I have learned something greater than I ever imagined.  Self love!

Self-love is the best life lesson that I have been lucky enough to learn!!  I love all the broken parts of me, because they each tell a story.  Determination, integrity, survival, and self-love.  I still have so much work to do on myself, and I really believe that work will never be done.  But I am finally at a place where I love myself  deeply.  I believe that I am worth all the work, and most of all I believe in me.  I wish that I could just give this feeling of peace and serenity away, but it doesn’t work like that.

So maybe just for today we can love each other until we learn to love ourselves.

The Hardest Thing.

One of the hardest things about getting off the drugs for me was learning to be alone and learning to be ok with it.  For as long as I can remember I’ve always been in some sort of co-dependent, unhealthy relationship.  I looked for self-love in so many places that it’s actually quite impressive when I look back now, and realize how hard I tried to love myself through other people.  Mostly men.  My real father never really wanted much to do with me and my mom married a great man when I was very little, who I know to be my father, so why did the daddy issues still come into play in my life?  I was never satisfied with the love that I had and my issues with co-dependent relationships stem from many different things in my early life.  The fact of the matter was that I had never stood on my own two feet and done anything that I could truly be proud of in my adult life.  I hated myself so much I would have done anything to make myself disappear.  I tried to do that with drugs and alcohol.  Finally, the God of my understanding did what I couldn’t do for myself, and I landed in jail.  That is a story for another time.

I got clean because I was forced to do that or go to prison.  And the minute I had a few days of clear thinking I realized that the current relationship that I found myself in was a disaster.  It was abusive mentally and towards the end physically.  I loved him for some odd reason and he was even harder to quit than the drugs.  A few weeks into my treatment with the help of my case manager and a girl I had met there in treatment, I packed up as many trash bags as we could carry and I left him and that drug house forever.  I moved into a recovery home and I started to heal.

I remember laying in bed in this new place, with these new people, and all these new rules.  I felt so empty and my thoughts would race between him and wanting to get high. I prayed the serenity prayer over and over until I would fall asleep each night.  I surrounded myself around people who wanted to be better and I just kept moving forward.  It really wasn’t long until I could get through a day without thinking about him or thinking about getting high.  But it took a lot of work.  I think I stayed high for so long because of all the shit inside me that I didn’t want to deal with.  As soon as I started to confront the darkness inside me head on, I began to breathe a little easier.  You see using drugs is only a symptom of the real issue.  So many people quit the drugs but never really address the root of the problem.

Lets flash forward to today.  I have not dated for a couple of years and its been the best time in my life.  I love the woman I am today, and I love that I am only getting better with each passing day.  I’ve worked really hard to be able to find my voice, to be able to look in the mirror and say, “Hey girl, hey!”  I love my time alone and I love the skin I am in.  Its mine, and its flawed, inside and out, and I wouldn’t change a thing.  I am so grateful for everything I have been through in my life because of the freedom that it has given my soul.  I am wiser and I am stronger, and I wish that every person could know how this feels.

So for today, look inside yourself, and love your flawed soul.

Feeling Inspired…

I started and restarted writing this 3 times.  I kept trying to start with all the dark shit in my past, thinking this had to be some well written soul crushing stuff for it to matter.  That is not the case at all.  I just want to write.  I want to share my joy and my life with others.  Sure my story started out dark and twisted, but life after the storm is what this blog is really about.  It’s about learning to live, love, and trust again.  It’s about mistakes, setbacks, and growing!  I cannot wait to start writing about my adventures and fiasco’s as they happen! This blog is more or less for me and if it brings hope to someone stuck in a downward spiral from addiction or depression or just life in general, I would be beyond happy.  So happy trails my friends, and here we go!